my.current.read

another new week! i am looking forward for some positive changes! (hopefully).

despite of the "bad" week that i had last week, well, "bad" in the sense that i don't feel (and don't think either) like i am in control of any thing. i feel insecure and there is a huge internal (mostly negative thoughts and emotions) turmoils swapping through my mind. i asked myself if that i am going through a winter depression, a mid-life crisis, and even doubted if i am already embarking into an early pre-menopause with such an emotional roller coaster that i am riding on. disillusion - suddenly nothing seems to be in my control anymore. i received a project feedback that didn't reflect my contribution, not that it is a bad feedback but it's just not a good one either, and 'OK' is not something that is acceptable in my life (perhaps i need to work on this perception of life because i have set my standard too high?). there are plenty of re-organization going on at work since the bosses left the company end last year, and although it is not spoken at all but my department is shrinking and people left or is transferring to another department, it's like an act of survival and i am sitting too comfortably and doing nothing. i couldn't even get to a dinner that we have planned for weeks ahead and even willing to pay over a hounded euro per person because the place was fully booked on last saturday. what could be more worst than after a "bad" week and looking forward for a weekend that i could at least enlighten a little bit. that is what i mean by "nothing is in my control", not even a simple dinner reservation!!!! i sounded very negative, so stop reading if you don't want to rub on the negative energy from me, but i just need a place to release what is in my mind...

perhaps it is just the begining effect of the year of expansion that i am suppose to experience this year. or the seven-ups that i try to apply in my life. isaiah 54:2 "enlarge the place of your tent, and let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; do not spare; lengthen your cords, and strengthen your stakes." perhaps in order to enlarge my "tent", i have to leave my comfort zone and that's why it stirs up so much discomforts and uncertainty in the last week. changes are painful i guess, especially when one has been dwelling too long in a comfort zone.

regardless of my trash out... i do have one good news that i should not take for granted though. i had another polyclinic hysterescopy check up last year end, and i received the result on the third of january that there is no abnormal cells from the biopsy, everything is normal. so i thanked God that the healing miracle that He has started in me, He is faithful to complete it.

back to my current reading, novels from francines rivers. i finished "the mother's hope" and now almost concluding the reading on "the daughter's dream". francines rivers is a born-again christian writer/author and her books have a lot of life principles, values based on the biblical foundation. one phrase that relief me last night is a quote of the scripture from the book of matthew "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself". yes, i went to sleep with this affirmation in my heart, my mind and my spirit.

now that i looked at this photo that i have taken last week, i should also give thanks for the good light that we had since the new year. it is almost like spring. so i guess, there are plenty of small things i can start thanking God for and hopefully these small changes in attitude will bring forth great and positive changes in the new week.

if you read up to here, thank you for going through the emotional roller coaster journey with me.

!!happy monday!!